Still hurts 22May17

You probably won't be able to see this but ya it's alright. This will just be a personal space for me to share my little thoughts. Alright how should I begin? haish... it still hurts talking about it. Okay... let's begin ... hey I wonder how are you doing? probably fine right? life without me. good right? hmm.. it is almost close to 3months already but here I am still thinking how would it be if I am a little more understanding and showing more concern towards you .Sometimes I wondered, is it my fault that made you like this? or is it that I don't understands you well enough? it scares me to think that I have dated someone for 1yr , thinking that I know everything about you when obviously I didn't. I regret not knowing you enough . I regret for trusting you too much and believing you .Hahah ended up , you are the one that is hurting me too much. haish... To be honest ,when I realised what you did I was really devastated and disappointed then slowly anger starts building up. The person whom I thought is different , whom I thought I can trust or whom I thought I can rely on, was actually just the same as other guys. Love is really blind, really. But no matter how much stuff you did to hurt me , I still can't bare to hate you .That is what I really hate about myself. I really tried my best to hate you because of the stuff that you did but I just can't. I will definitely remember the stuff you said when you broke up with me. The stuff you said really hit on me , make me think who the fk am I actually really dating. When you are trying to win someone's heart , you do all methods to win them but after you are sick of them, you just throw them aside. I guess you win right? In r/s , the person that fall the deeper one loses right? which is me . hahah. I still remember at 6 march when we broke up , I didn't really cried for you. You can say I'm trying to act tough etc but I tbh was too hurt to even express it out and I just laughed it out. People always said I'm strong, optimistic and looks like I'm always happy but I'm actually not. I didn't realise how much you have hurt me until I actually typed this out about all my feelings( I cant believe I still can teared even after 3 months)hmmm.. I shouldn't not have worked at wintertime, should not have played with you, should not have snapchat and should not have celebrated my birthday with you. Everything was a mistakes. Sometimes I wonder , what do to deserve such this from you. Maybe not trusting you from the beginning of the r/s was right. From someone who is always happy, you wrecked me to someone who is now full of wounds. I think I'm now afraid of having someone in my life , afraid of being in a r/s , afraid of them treating me like how you did, afraid bring lonely etc. But even after everything you have done, I am still able to forgive you. I guess I'm just too soft-hearted. The good memories with you starts to overtake the bad memories. haish.. I miss those hands of your, the look of your face , your kisses , your cute personality (basically everything about you) But I guess , I'm the only one that is missing it....